This is the Sean Warp where you will get everything sean!

Lose 30 pounds in 30 days - Lose Weight, Keep it off - Low Fat= High Life

No topic has been as enduring over the ages as that of the ‘Diet’. But why has such a distressing behavior in our society persevered for so long? Is it because our society is hung up on looks? Do our ideals emphasize outside appearances? Is what is on the outside, becoming more important than what is on the inside? Or is it that a mad scientist is at the center of a gigantic spiraling cacophony of conspiracy? This reporter would suggest the latter. I stumbled upon this shockingly abhorrent discovery while in, of all places, Subway. I was ordering myself a deliciously hand made assorted cold-cut sub when, to my foreshadowed horror, I saw a sign. Not a religious sign like the crying Madonna… or like that sign in the ace of base song; this was an actual sign. It read: ’Atkins Friendly’. But who or what was this ’Atkins’? I asked. The stupefied server sneered sinisterly with a smidgeon of sarcasm and smirked: “ It means it’s low carb.” Now, the average god- fearing Joe would have thought nothing of it. He would have merely taken his reasonably priced, delicious cold-cut sub and left all the while skipping merrily and singing “Tra-la- la-la-la”… Well, I am not your average Joe… I am a reporter. It was at that very moment that I decided that it was my duty- Nay- my pleasure, to uncover this awful conspiracy. But, where was I to start? Naturally, I turned to the catalogue of all human knowledge to date: Google. A quick search of Atkins revealed the shocking truth: Atkins was in fact a doctor of sorts, he apparently lead a revolution, and he was in fact the proprietor of this ‘Low-Carb’ diet. Further research by way of Google revealed that similar diet trends had come into effect over the ages: Low sugar, low fat, low calories, and now low carb. Additional inquiries proved fruitless. I tried other search engines but, pornographic sites notwithstanding, I turned up empty handed. But whom was he working for? Surely one evil mastermind alone could not perpetrate a feat of these biblical proportions. I decided that if Google was no match for Atkins’ evil genius, I could trust no one. For days on end, I wrestled with some head scratching questions as I tried to make heads or tails of this conspiracy: Why were people so easily convinced that there was something wrong with how they looked? What could have caused such an infection notion to seep into the gene pool of our collective psyches? What is it that makes Subway subs so delicious and nutritious? In a conspiracy of this undisclosed propensity, I had to view everyone as a suspect. But I was determined to unravel the far-reaching mysteries that this mystery beheld. Finally when I thought as though I myself was going to be swallowed whole by this metaphorical whale of a cover-up, I took the only thing that I knew I could trust: My own logic. With the help of my long time colleague friend Buddy Wieser, I was able to uncover the far-reaching tendrils of this plot. When I was finally finished, I looked down at my notepad in horror, where the maddeningly intricate plan was unveiled to me for the first time: Dr. Atkins is a doctor… Dr. Frankenstein was a doctor. This striking revelation broke down a wall of blindness inside my ignorant mind. Dr. Frankenstein set out to reanimate a monster made up of different body part. And what are sugars, fats, calories and carbohydrates? I’m no biologist, but it seems to me that these are the basic building blocks of all life on earth. With this in mind, Dr Atkins’ plot became clear. He is using the media for his own sick game of cat and mouse… and carbs. This man of evil sends a twenty-four-hour-a- day stream of fashion models, action heroes, and similarly disproportionate actors into our homes. Atkins does this fiendish plot to encourage the masses that they should not be happy with the way they look, so that they will shun the demonized carbs, the evil sugar, the sinister fat and the ne’er-do-wells known as calories. After the aforementioned compounds were eliminated from the diet of the populous, Atkins would be able to take the excess of these basic building blocks of life and use them in his plot for world domination: Atkins intends to, like his hero Dr. Frankenstein, reanimate hordes of vicious zombie creatures which will do his bidding. This madness must be stopped! Dr. Atkins will not stop at carbs! He will soon rob us of our protein; he will then demonize our fiber. Then William Shatner will be out of a job; which, is a shame because he is a great Shakespearean actor, he has just been down on his luck lately. So throw down your diet beverages and Atkins friendly wraps! Don’t let the media control you with their hypnotic lies and sex appeal! Beauty is not skin deep! Jared Be damned! They may try to silence me; the helicopters of my demise may be circling at this very moment. But my message will survive. We must learn that we don’t need to adhere to the commands of the media. We must learn that there is only one person in our lives that has to approve of us. That person is not a parent, or a friend or a future employer. That person isn't even that cute girl that waved to me at the mall last weekend. We see this person every morning when we check our hair. We see them when we brush our teeth. If you haven't already guessed it: that person is us. And we must always be able to look ourselves in the mirror. We must learn to love ourselves because if we don’t someone is going to take advantage of our insecurities. That person may be a bully trying to make themselves feel better. Or that person may be a media icon trying to sell their new perfume. But more importantly, that person may be a madman hell-bent on stealing our carbs to incite revolution and raise an invincible army of zombie creatures whose sole purpose is to devour the flesh of the living… Which would really exacerbate the situation.

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